What's the good word today? I have an appointment next week at a place in Pasadena that will sign me up for Healthy Way LA and will hopefully give me what I need in regards to my illness. A big thank you to my good friend Kevin, a true scholar and gentleman when he isn't busy doing his standup routine. ;-)
Other good news: The muse came down and dropkicked me in the face yesterday... it was glorious. I finally got a major piece of the puzzle figured out as far as what was missing from my idea for a story. I seriously want this to be my version of the Great American Novel (note: it will not be anything nearly that good, I can assure you, but it will be good enough [hopefully] that somebody wants to publish it.) I plan on pulling out from several of my trick bags in order to make this something both fun to read and analyze scholarly. That, to me, would be amazing. This is cool. As a caveat, this may take some time--as long as it needs to. I dislike putting this out there, but I have to psyche myself out if I ever want to see myself finishing it. Right now, I just have random paragraphs and a gameplan; now for the creative legwork. By the way, if anyone reading this is a published writer or also aspires to be one, I'd love to hear any advice if you're willing to share, public or private, regarding creating, finishing, finding an agent, getting published, etc.
I really need to read more as well. I will stop short of setting a goal, though, because of a litany of reasons. Terrifying example: a FB friend of mine, a wonderful and talented scholar who works in the hardbound and page industry up north, does a "50 books in any given year" resolution. While not out of the realm of possibility, it terrifies me to no end to commit to something so rewarding. Why is that? What is this neurosis that has set up shop inside my head? I used to love to read so much when I was younger; of course, back then, it was much simpler fare and practically no analysis involved other than what was right on the nose based on what I read. I can't read anymore without dissecting to death (which is both good and bad) or I just get bored and lose interest, depending on the material. Why, oh, why has my former favorite pastime lost its thrill?
Confession session time: I love kids (me being a big one still) and yet I also hate the little buggers sometimes. Depends on the kid, I know. The well-behaved and adjusted ones are like angels living amongst us, bestowing us with blessed, innocent insight and other such gifts of the spirit. Then there are the attitude, out-of-control, dirty/nasty/cruel little boogers who know just exactly which buttons to push. I know we are not supposed to beat kids (and I say beat in the most loving and gentle way, not meaning to decimate them or anything, but just physical discipline) and I agree that the psychological ramifications can perpetuate a never-ending cycle of violence and all, but damn, some kids deserve a good smack for being assholes (as do plenty of adults, but that's already a given and another story.) Maybe it stems from my upbringing; my mom and dad didn't give me the belt or the smack much, but when I got out of line and stepped over said line, I did feel the consequences. My maternal grandma was the infamous beatdown artist of the family, however, and she was the one more likely than anyone to be the sergeant-at-arms who readily metes out corporal punishment. Still, she was pretty old when I was growing up and her chancla (slipper) swing had lost some of its velocity. One time she couldn't find her chancla and instead just hit me with the closest thing at hand: a banana. I felt bad for my brother and older cousins, because they felt the brunt of her wrath when she was still in the tail-end of her prime. I feel even worse for my mother because she felt abuelita's primetime wrath back in the 60s. One thing, though, that a good smack taught me was humility--you are not the center of the universe, there are consequences to your asshole actions. I may be a bit screwy in the head, a lovely genetic trait I inherited from the aforementioned abuelita's side, but I learned how to be respectful toward adults and not get crazy and out of control in public or private like some kids do. Manners and self-control, while not lost completely, is a waning art form in this increasingly isolated and self-serving society. I see too many kids that have never been taught the fear of the chancla and they take advantage like little motherf***ers. Sorry for the rant--in no way am I promoting wholesale beating of kids or hitting them just for the sake of it, because that truly is cruel and can create kids with severe trauma and issues, which is never good. I feel like many others from 1st or 2nd generation immigrant parents will understand me regarding this issue... and if you don't, that's okay, we can agree to disagree; it's kinda painful to watch when you see parents who refuse to effectively discipline their kids and then let them run wild, like little Tazmanian devils spinning themselves into a tornado vortex, all balled-up fists, slobber, and tennis shoes, smacking anything and everything in their path. Please believe me though when I say that I really do like (most) kids (particularly before they can talk back and develop attitudes) and I think they should be treasured, supported, and given any and all means to be happy human beings with good goals and values.
Out of rant mode: I have a feeling that things are going to change for me, for the better. Historically, I've always existed much more contently and have had more fortune in odd numbered years than even years; make what you will of that. I'm still looking for work, but I'm surprisingly not freaking out too much (for the moment) and I have faith that something that needs to happen will happen.
Question to my readers: This is a new thing I want to do; it may or may not suck. What are your views on things like communal living? Benefits outweigh drawbacks or vice-versa? Specific reasons and examples would be great but are not mandatory. Thank you so much, in advance, if you respond to this question--it will help me in some research I am beginning.
See you in two weeks or so, maybe less if the muse decides to uppercut me again.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Friday, December 28, 2012
Seeing Who We Are Today
Been almost two weeks... time to exercise some keeping of one's word.
Well, I can cross two things off my list: I survived x-mas intact and I changed the oil in my car. Literally, that was my one big activity of the day last Wednesday. I'm on a serious vacation-mode bender lately. I still have to see a doctor, but some encouraging news (at least today--every day is different) is that I feel in less pain than I have for some time now. I'm still taking it easy so as not to aggravate the rheumatizz, but there needs to be a balance of that and some self-rehab, where I try to regain some limberness. Seriously, never take your health for granted if you have it... I always did until it was taken from me. I've even taken to using a cane (the days I'm not being vain) for support if I need it when I'm out. I'm also trying to treat it as something of an accessory; got comments about looking Dr. House-like recently, too. Silliness mixed in with gravity and concern about the future unknowns.
In a nutshell, feeling more upbeat and positive. And since I'm in the (sometimes insane) business of "putting it out there" so that it has a better chance of coming true, I need to take advantage of this "energy" to do good things. I'm writing, that's a start, but I'm concern that this is one of the most boring reads in history and nobody gives a crap. Welp, it's gotta be for me and who cares if nobody gives a crap. I like to please people too much because I like attention... the little drama queen within.
I want to write more collaboratively, which is something several friends of mine have proposed. I want to follow through on that and be a creative dynamo. I often draw inspiration from the energy of others, like a vampire, but more of a symbiotic vamp, not a pure leech... at least I hope. I am also in possession of a spice rack full of tricks to give writing a kick. This is cool.
I attribute a lot of my current kick to the works of other artists. Film and music have been my salvation in that regard lately. Classical music does some serious shaking up of my insides and the power of art appreciation takes hold. That's when I want to create most... that's when I can see myself working obsessively, like a beast, to create something I consider noteworthy and powerful. I've been writing some random-ish paragraphs lately that I hope will become somehow coalesce or inspire something bigger and better, something publishable--something that sends me a cheque. Mmmm, money. Sorry, bad habit... sometimes I think I've been so deeply ingrained in capitalistic worship that it will take a monumental effort to change my sometimes greedy habits. But we need money to keep on moving. I like what I read recently about Stanley Kubrick, which talked about how he saw money only as a means to independence, rather than something to stockpile and hoard, so that he and his fellow artist wife could have their space to create and be comfortable. A lot of times I feel like I'm a hot house flower--that I can only thrive under ideal conditions. We'll see if that's true or not. Yes, ideal conditions are nice, but that hasn't often been my experience in this harsh life so far. It could be a lot worse, I know, but I need to create before I die... and the clock is a-tickin'.
Thank you all for the likes and encouragement you've shown me when I did my first posting last week. I will try to do different things with this forum in the future, maybe something scholarly (Zzzz) or some excerpts of writing. Who knows... not like I plan much of anything. Here's to hoping 2013 will be a year of rejuvenation and bon cheer. Auf weidersehen.
P.S. If you want to read a true blog at its most entertaining, informative, and creative, look no further than my good friend Gretta's "Say It With A Smirk"
http://sayitwithasmirk.blogspot.com/
Well, I can cross two things off my list: I survived x-mas intact and I changed the oil in my car. Literally, that was my one big activity of the day last Wednesday. I'm on a serious vacation-mode bender lately. I still have to see a doctor, but some encouraging news (at least today--every day is different) is that I feel in less pain than I have for some time now. I'm still taking it easy so as not to aggravate the rheumatizz, but there needs to be a balance of that and some self-rehab, where I try to regain some limberness. Seriously, never take your health for granted if you have it... I always did until it was taken from me. I've even taken to using a cane (the days I'm not being vain) for support if I need it when I'm out. I'm also trying to treat it as something of an accessory; got comments about looking Dr. House-like recently, too. Silliness mixed in with gravity and concern about the future unknowns.
In a nutshell, feeling more upbeat and positive. And since I'm in the (sometimes insane) business of "putting it out there" so that it has a better chance of coming true, I need to take advantage of this "energy" to do good things. I'm writing, that's a start, but I'm concern that this is one of the most boring reads in history and nobody gives a crap. Welp, it's gotta be for me and who cares if nobody gives a crap. I like to please people too much because I like attention... the little drama queen within.
I want to write more collaboratively, which is something several friends of mine have proposed. I want to follow through on that and be a creative dynamo. I often draw inspiration from the energy of others, like a vampire, but more of a symbiotic vamp, not a pure leech... at least I hope. I am also in possession of a spice rack full of tricks to give writing a kick. This is cool.
I attribute a lot of my current kick to the works of other artists. Film and music have been my salvation in that regard lately. Classical music does some serious shaking up of my insides and the power of art appreciation takes hold. That's when I want to create most... that's when I can see myself working obsessively, like a beast, to create something I consider noteworthy and powerful. I've been writing some random-ish paragraphs lately that I hope will become somehow coalesce or inspire something bigger and better, something publishable--something that sends me a cheque. Mmmm, money. Sorry, bad habit... sometimes I think I've been so deeply ingrained in capitalistic worship that it will take a monumental effort to change my sometimes greedy habits. But we need money to keep on moving. I like what I read recently about Stanley Kubrick, which talked about how he saw money only as a means to independence, rather than something to stockpile and hoard, so that he and his fellow artist wife could have their space to create and be comfortable. A lot of times I feel like I'm a hot house flower--that I can only thrive under ideal conditions. We'll see if that's true or not. Yes, ideal conditions are nice, but that hasn't often been my experience in this harsh life so far. It could be a lot worse, I know, but I need to create before I die... and the clock is a-tickin'.
Thank you all for the likes and encouragement you've shown me when I did my first posting last week. I will try to do different things with this forum in the future, maybe something scholarly (Zzzz) or some excerpts of writing. Who knows... not like I plan much of anything. Here's to hoping 2013 will be a year of rejuvenation and bon cheer. Auf weidersehen.
P.S. If you want to read a true blog at its most entertaining, informative, and creative, look no further than my good friend Gretta's "Say It With A Smirk"
http://sayitwithasmirk.blogspot.com/
Monday, December 17, 2012
Life is Roughing Me Up
I hate this. I used to want to be a writer--still do in some ways. The discipline part is hard. Consistency is hard. The energy part is an elusive and fickle mistress. The muse is too random and often on vacation. Why would I dread doing something I do well and, at times, love doing? Why does this have to be such a chore?
The good news: 1. I'm actually doing something about it right now (under protest with myself but forcing my own hand) and 2. It may not always feel like a chore; it might get better.
I tried blogging once regarding my work as a server (partly influenced by the Waiter Rant blog a few years back) but I lost steam and desire to do so. The first two posts were good and fun to read, but then I hit a dead end and didn't feel like continuing. That's the bitch right there... I didn't feel like doing it. A bit of discipline would do wonders for that sense of entitlement that I have going (Oh, I don't feel up to it, poor me, waaahhh, I'll wait until inspiration comes and then it'll all work magically). I could blame society, my folks, my personality, etc., but then I would be ignoring my own willpower and desire as motivating factors. Yes, things like depression and addiction to sloth/inaction (I swear it's like a disease sometimes) and physical health deterioration (which is the new thing with me lately) are very big speed bumps that slow me down and make inactivity a very attractive option. But that's just it--they're speed bumps, not roadblocks. They don't have to stop me if I don't let them. Therefore, the fact that I'm taking time to write this is like a good bowl of caldo de pollo con verduras for this starving soul of creativity. If I want to be an artist, then I need to put in the hours. If I want to get work, I need to have a body of work and not limit myself. I have to create my art and stay consistent with the practice or else I'm going to die bitter and angry, just like how I've been feeling lately.
Now that I've given myself the old scolding/pep talk, I'm ready to move on to some goals I need to verbalize so that I can have at least a fighting chance of accomplishing; seriously, it gets that bad with me. Now, I might not accomplish one or most of these, but it will go a long way toward feeling better about myself if I at least try and make something happen--the trick is to not be afraid to put them out there, even if failure is possible, and then not beat myself up for failing.
Short-term goals:
-Buy a filter and change the oil in my car.
-Try to make a future appointment at the free clinic and not be unwilling to stand in line with all the other poor bastards who don't have health insurance, then get that referral to a rheumatologist
-Do some light, selective gift shopping (it has to be a very small list this year) despite my distaste for stores and the people that shop in them.
-Keep looking for work on a weekly basis and stop making excuses for why I shouldn't even bother sending my resume.
-Blog at least bi-weekly for now.
-Pray for willingness and the ability to take necessary action, even if I don't particularly enjoy prayer.
Long-term goals:
-Gainful employment somewhere I like to work and pays enough to live off of.
-Apply to several PhD programs even if I'm a long shot for candidacy.
-Take the two horrible GREs that are prerequisites to almost all PhD applications.
-Do the research required to find the right programs for what I want to do. Also be willing to abandon ship if it stops seeming feasible.
-Blog/write anything much more than bi-weekly.
-Reclaim my health.
-Get paid for my writing.
-Get published.
Christ, that was one of the hardest things I've had to do in a while. I don't feel much better, but at least I got something done. I wish this chronic pain I've been experiencing would go away. This cold weather doesn't help. It's gotten to the point where I can't walk like a normal person without support of some kind or without gritting through the pain about 75-80% of the time. It wears on me and makes me think that I don't want to live like this. My options are pretty clear if I don't want to continue this way: get help (and jump through all the damn hoops necessary no matter how annoying/inconvenient) or get dying, slowly and gradually. The fact that I'm sharing this means I'm leaning toward living.
It's pretty clear why I need to blog now... at least to me at this moment. I need this outlet, this therapy if you will. I also need to put this out there because... well, that's the point of a blog. I need to get more involved with things I find important and or necessary, but also to curb my enthusiasm when I realize that I can't dedicate to something for whatever reason--and be okay with that! I need to do what's best for me and not necessarily for other people, yet not forget to do for others when I am able to as a way of being of service--within reason. The balancing act I propose will require much wisdom and as much good judgment as possible. Here it goes...
As for future content, who knows what it'll be. I'll try to be interesting and not just rant/vomit my inner turmoil every single time. Stay tuned if you wish.
The good news: 1. I'm actually doing something about it right now (under protest with myself but forcing my own hand) and 2. It may not always feel like a chore; it might get better.
I tried blogging once regarding my work as a server (partly influenced by the Waiter Rant blog a few years back) but I lost steam and desire to do so. The first two posts were good and fun to read, but then I hit a dead end and didn't feel like continuing. That's the bitch right there... I didn't feel like doing it. A bit of discipline would do wonders for that sense of entitlement that I have going (Oh, I don't feel up to it, poor me, waaahhh, I'll wait until inspiration comes and then it'll all work magically). I could blame society, my folks, my personality, etc., but then I would be ignoring my own willpower and desire as motivating factors. Yes, things like depression and addiction to sloth/inaction (I swear it's like a disease sometimes) and physical health deterioration (which is the new thing with me lately) are very big speed bumps that slow me down and make inactivity a very attractive option. But that's just it--they're speed bumps, not roadblocks. They don't have to stop me if I don't let them. Therefore, the fact that I'm taking time to write this is like a good bowl of caldo de pollo con verduras for this starving soul of creativity. If I want to be an artist, then I need to put in the hours. If I want to get work, I need to have a body of work and not limit myself. I have to create my art and stay consistent with the practice or else I'm going to die bitter and angry, just like how I've been feeling lately.
Now that I've given myself the old scolding/pep talk, I'm ready to move on to some goals I need to verbalize so that I can have at least a fighting chance of accomplishing; seriously, it gets that bad with me. Now, I might not accomplish one or most of these, but it will go a long way toward feeling better about myself if I at least try and make something happen--the trick is to not be afraid to put them out there, even if failure is possible, and then not beat myself up for failing.
Short-term goals:
-Buy a filter and change the oil in my car.
-Try to make a future appointment at the free clinic and not be unwilling to stand in line with all the other poor bastards who don't have health insurance, then get that referral to a rheumatologist
-Do some light, selective gift shopping (it has to be a very small list this year) despite my distaste for stores and the people that shop in them.
-Keep looking for work on a weekly basis and stop making excuses for why I shouldn't even bother sending my resume.
-Blog at least bi-weekly for now.
-Pray for willingness and the ability to take necessary action, even if I don't particularly enjoy prayer.
Long-term goals:
-Gainful employment somewhere I like to work and pays enough to live off of.
-Apply to several PhD programs even if I'm a long shot for candidacy.
-Take the two horrible GREs that are prerequisites to almost all PhD applications.
-Do the research required to find the right programs for what I want to do. Also be willing to abandon ship if it stops seeming feasible.
-Blog/write anything much more than bi-weekly.
-Reclaim my health.
-Get paid for my writing.
-Get published.
Christ, that was one of the hardest things I've had to do in a while. I don't feel much better, but at least I got something done. I wish this chronic pain I've been experiencing would go away. This cold weather doesn't help. It's gotten to the point where I can't walk like a normal person without support of some kind or without gritting through the pain about 75-80% of the time. It wears on me and makes me think that I don't want to live like this. My options are pretty clear if I don't want to continue this way: get help (and jump through all the damn hoops necessary no matter how annoying/inconvenient) or get dying, slowly and gradually. The fact that I'm sharing this means I'm leaning toward living.
It's pretty clear why I need to blog now... at least to me at this moment. I need this outlet, this therapy if you will. I also need to put this out there because... well, that's the point of a blog. I need to get more involved with things I find important and or necessary, but also to curb my enthusiasm when I realize that I can't dedicate to something for whatever reason--and be okay with that! I need to do what's best for me and not necessarily for other people, yet not forget to do for others when I am able to as a way of being of service--within reason. The balancing act I propose will require much wisdom and as much good judgment as possible. Here it goes...
As for future content, who knows what it'll be. I'll try to be interesting and not just rant/vomit my inner turmoil every single time. Stay tuned if you wish.
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