Life is Roughing Me Up

I hate this. I used to want to be a writer--still do in some ways. The discipline part is hard. Consistency is hard. The energy part is an elusive and fickle mistress. The muse is too random and often on vacation. Why would I dread doing something I do well and, at times, love doing? Why does this have to be such a chore?

The good news: 1. I'm actually doing something about it right now (under protest with myself but forcing my own hand) and 2. It may not always feel like a chore; it might get better.

I tried blogging once regarding my work as a server (partly influenced by the Waiter Rant blog a few years back) but I lost steam and desire to do so. The first two posts were good and fun to read, but then I hit a dead end and didn't feel like continuing. That's the bitch right there... I didn't feel like doing it. A bit of discipline would do wonders for that sense of entitlement that I have going (Oh, I don't feel up to it, poor me, waaahhh, I'll wait until inspiration comes and then it'll all work magically). I could blame society, my folks, my personality, etc., but then I would be ignoring my own willpower and desire as motivating factors. Yes, things like depression and addiction to sloth/inaction (I swear it's like a disease sometimes) and physical health deterioration (which is the new thing with me lately) are very big speed bumps that slow me down and make inactivity a very attractive option. But that's just it--they're speed bumps, not roadblocks. They don't have to stop me if I don't let them. Therefore, the fact that I'm taking time to write this is like a good bowl of caldo de pollo con verduras for this starving soul of creativity. If I want to be an artist, then I need to put in the hours. If I want to get work, I need to have a body of work and not limit myself. I have to create my art and stay consistent with the practice or else I'm going to die bitter and angry, just like how I've been feeling lately.

Now that I've given  myself the old scolding/pep talk, I'm ready to move on to some goals I need to verbalize so that I can have at least a fighting chance of accomplishing; seriously, it gets that bad with me. Now, I might not accomplish one or most of these, but it will go a long way toward feeling better about myself if I at least try and make something happen--the trick is to not be afraid to put them out there, even if failure is possible, and then not beat myself up for failing.

Short-term goals:
-Buy a filter and change the oil in my car.
-Try to make a future appointment at the free clinic and not be unwilling to stand in line with all the other poor bastards who don't have health insurance, then get that referral to a rheumatologist
-Do some light, selective gift shopping (it has to be a very small list this year) despite my distaste for stores and the people that shop in them.
-Keep looking for work on a weekly basis and stop making excuses for why I shouldn't even bother sending my resume.
-Blog at least bi-weekly for now.
-Pray for willingness and the ability to take necessary action, even if I don't particularly enjoy prayer.

Long-term goals:
-Gainful employment somewhere I like to work and pays enough to live off of.
-Apply to several PhD programs even if I'm a long shot for candidacy.
-Take the two horrible GREs that are prerequisites to almost all PhD applications.
-Do the research required to find the right programs for what I want to do. Also be willing to abandon ship if it stops seeming feasible.
-Blog/write anything much more than bi-weekly.
-Reclaim my health.
-Get paid for my writing.
-Get published.

Christ, that was one of the hardest things I've had to do in a while. I don't feel much better, but at least I got something done. I wish this chronic pain I've been experiencing would go away. This cold weather doesn't help. It's gotten to the point where I can't walk like a normal person without support of some kind or without gritting through the pain about 75-80% of the time. It wears on me and makes me think that I don't want to live like this. My options are pretty clear if I don't want to continue this way: get help (and jump through all the damn hoops necessary no matter how annoying/inconvenient) or get dying, slowly and gradually. The fact that I'm sharing this means I'm leaning toward living.

It's pretty clear why I need to blog now... at least to me at this moment. I need this outlet, this therapy if you will. I also need to put this out there because... well, that's the point of a blog. I need to get more involved with things I find important and or necessary, but also to curb my enthusiasm when I realize that I can't dedicate to something for whatever reason--and be okay with that! I need to do what's best for me and not necessarily for other people, yet not forget to do for others when I am able to as a way of being of service--within reason. The balancing act I propose will require much wisdom and as much good judgment as possible. Here it goes...

As for future content, who knows what it'll be. I'll try to be interesting and not just rant/vomit my inner turmoil every single time. Stay tuned if you wish.